


But There’s No You (Except In My Dreams Tonight)

by Its_Lemon_Scented



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vikings, Christian Character, Christianity, Different religions, Dreams, First Kiss, Friendship/Love, Heartbroken Ragnar Lothbrok, Injured Ragnar, Love, M/M, Norse religion, Post Athelstan’s death, Religion, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sick Character, Sickness, Spirit Athelstan, Tenderness, The Author Regrets Everything, True Love, Vikings, but mostly sad, heartbroken, s03ep09 Breaking Point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 09:03:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15336459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Its_Lemon_Scented/pseuds/Its_Lemon_Scented
Summary: Despite restless nights due to physical and emotional pain, Ragnar manages to get sleep while at the camp. While dreaming, he’s visited by a certain Christian.





	But There’s No You (Except In My Dreams Tonight)

_Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise_  
_No one compares to you_  
_I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side_  
_Every time I close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise_  
_No one compares to you_  
_But there's no you except in my dreams tonight_

_-‘Dark Paradise’ Lana Del Ray_

 

=

=

 

Ragnar is surprised that he’s lasted this long. After getting hurt during their first attempt to raid Paris, he has a feeling his days may be numbered. Pain shows itself every time he moves, he continues to piss blood, and now, a fever is making itself known.

Despite this, the Viking carries on. His physical pain means little to him, it’s the pain in his heart that’s bringing him to his knees. Losing Athelstan and almost losing Björn. But his son lives, his body working to heal itself, while Athelstan’s body lies in the ground.

The Northman managed to keep his composure up until after he buried him. _“I hate you for leaving me! I ache from your loss. There is nothing that can console me now. I am changed, so are you.”_

He knows it was Floki, it doesn’t take a genius to realize it. But for now, he’s playing along, taking his time. _The fury of a patient man_ as he told Athelstan.

With everything that’s happened, he’s sure anyone would lose sleep from it. The fever seems determined to end him, and part of him is praying it would. No more pain and suffering, and perhaps he will see his lost love again. This time, not as a hallucination.

When he saw Athelstan that night, reaching out for him, he thought he had died and was now in his Christian’s Heaven. He looked so beautiful. Coming towards Ragnar with light surrounding him. He looked like one of those Angels his God made. Ragnar remembers when the smaller man told the Northman about them, his adorable rambling making the Viking smile.

But after the Christian disappeared, after Ragnar begged him not to, pain returned to his heart. Ever since, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it.

=  
=

The fever was at its peak and the Viking was sure if he closed his eyes, he wouldn’t wake up. But despite that, the Northman was tired, and sleep could do his body good. Ever since he took it, Athelstan’s cross has brought him comfort. And while clutching it tightly in his hand as he lay in bed now, he hopes it will help lull him to sleep.

=  
=

While sleeping, the Viking felt something cold and wet touching his forehead. Groaning, Ragnar turned away, but it continued. “You look terrible.”

Ragnar’s Eyes never opened so fast in his life. Looking over, his eyes landed on Athelstan, who looked worried. He saw then that the Christian has a wet rag in one hand. Despite that, the Northman grinned, whispering “Athelstan?” But got no smile in return.

Daring to reach out, his shaky hand caressed the side of the smaller man’s cheek. “You are real? You are alive?”

Athelstan looked up at Ragnar and shook his head. “I’m afraid not. You’re dreaming.”

His smile fading, the Viking simply said “Oh.” Before slowly lying back down. Keeping his eyes fixed on his Christian, Ragnar asked “You are in Heaven with your God?”

The Christian nodded and said “Yes.”

“What it is like? What does it look like?”

Athelstan finally smiled, shaking his head. “I’m afraid I cannot say.”

Now confused, Ragnar propped himself up on his elbow. “Why? Will your God punish you if you do?”

Laughing, the smaller man shook his head. “No, it’s not that, it’s...Words simply cannot describe how beautiful it is there. No fear or pain, so peaceful, Ragnar.”

The Viking smiled and nodded. “It must be.”

Athelstan nodded and sighed. “But how can I be at peace knowing you are suffering? Look at you. Seeing you like this, it’s breaking my heart.”

Ragnar shook his head, saying “No, no, don’t worry, my Love. I am fine, I promise you. Apprently, it’s hard to kill Ragnar Lothbrok.” He smiled, hoping to put his Christian at ease. “I promise.” But Athelstan didn’t look convinced.

The smaller man said “I can tell when you’re lying, Ragnar. And I can’t help but worry about you, my Love. My worry won’t end just because I’m dead, and neither will my love for you.”

Feeling tears in his eyes, Ragnar blinked in hopes they would go away. He said “I know. But since you are... _Gone_ , and with your God, there should be no worries left for you. I want you to have your peace, you deserve it.”

Athelstan smiled, setting the rag down beside him. Pale hands reached out, taking the Viking’s face in them. Ragnar couldn’t help close his eyes at the touch, sighing when he felt lips pressing against his own. The Northman deeply regrets never kissing him and doing other things, while the Christian was still alive, but he thought of it constantly. He almost did after Athelstan told him he was reborn after the Northman told him he was happy he found his God again.

Ragnar kisses him back like they’re never going to see each other again, which he fears could happen. When the larger man pulled back, he pressed his forehead against the smaller man’s, and sighed. “I miss you so much. My heart has broken over and over again since I lost you. I would give anything to get you back to me. Anything. But I cannot take you away from your Heaven.

I want to see you again. The night I saw you when you came to me. I wanted to go. I reached out for you, but Odin wouldn’t let me. I begged you not to leave, I thought I broke your heart.” He shook his head no, tears streaming down his face. “I would never, I’d never ever hurt you like that. If I were born as a Christian, we’d be in your Heaven together-“

Athelstan cut him off by taking the Northman’s hand in his, pressing Ragnar’s palm over his heart. Switching over to Ragnar’s native tongue, the Christian said “Even in death, my heart belongs to you, my Viking. You and the Lord.”

Ragnar looked down at Athelstan’s chest before looking up, meeting his eyes. His Christian smiled and said “I love you as you are, Ragnar Lothbrok” switching back to English. “Though it hurts me, I won’t be angry or heartbroken if you enter Valhalla. Knowing you are at peace, surrounded by you loved ones, feasting with your Gods, will only fill me with unspeakable joy. I cannot control the will of your Gods, but I will be alright, I promise.”

Leaning in once more, the smaller man kissed him, and hugged him. Ragnar held him tight and said “I know who took you from me. And I promise you, he will face justice for what he’s done. Until then, my Love, I hope I will see you again. In this way or another.”

Athelstan smiled and said “I look forward to it.”

=  
=

When Ragnar opened his eyes, he was alone. The fever was still there, but not as strong. Closing his eyes, he swallows and whispers “Until I see you again, my Love.” In his native tongue before bringing the cross up to his lips. The Northman kisses it and squeezes it tight, hoping his message is heard.


End file.
